Nerves and you

You'll always have nerves.

They're what stop you from going to that meeting, or what courses through your body as you anxiously wait for your date to show up.


Or they'll paralyze you, making you unable to do what's necessary.

I struggle a lot with nerves. The act of actually doing something is rough for me because I think of every possible outcome, and obviously I want the best one. And when you haven't actually done anything yet there's still the possibility that what you want most will happen.

But once you've done what you've been meaning to do, the opposite holds true. It feels like you're only inching closer to the worst possible outcome. Every second that ticks by moves you closer and closer to a denial, to a blank screen, to a lack of response.

I've dealt with a lot of denial, mostly through applications. Chalk it up to the ease of applying in the internet age, or the lack of experience for the positions I want, regardless of what the reason is.

I'm very familiar with the letter saying that "we've decided to go with another candidate." 

Sometimes rejection can get to me, but overall I think that it's healthy. Denial centers me, takes me back to the drawing board and makes me really think about what I'm doing. That all happens later though.

When failure does consume me things can get pretty bad for a bit, and the truth is you'll never really know how long it'll last. Every time something happens that brings me out of it, it's never what I truly want, just something that I need. Never the ideal, only the necessity.

So this time I'll wait.

I'll wait for the ideal. I'll slog through the failure and tough out the pain to get what I truly want and deserve, instead of another band-aid that'll just hold me over until the next fall.

So take this as inspiration, and don't let it get you down even though it doesn't have the best tone. I know things might be rough, but learning from your failures will help you move past them to victories. Failure is a possibility when you take chances, but if you let your nerves get to you then you'll never take the chance that leads to something greater. Don't let failure consume your mindset.

Good things do happen.

Creative Stagnation via a Warm Blanket

Creativity is fickle. It can flourish in the most hostile conditions, and be stubbornly stagnant when things are going great.

Lately I've felt as though the latter is true. I've fallen into the routines that cause my creativity to go dormant and not want to try new things.

I work, I go home, I dabble in creative work and applications, rinse and repeat

A recent push to stimulate myself creatively, calling back to the architecture that inspired me when I first started taking pictures.

A recent push to stimulate myself creatively, calling back to the architecture that inspired me when I first started taking pictures.

Each day I push to read and write, but even if I do both not much comes of it. One of the most important sayings that I swear by is that nothing good comes from being comfortable, and I can feel that comfort surrounding me again. Like a warm blanket tucking me in to sleep, but that sleep is a monotony that I can't stand.

Insulating me against the fears of the world. Lulling my creativity into a debilitating slumber that I don't want to go into. 

So how do I break out of it? Simple. Become uncomfortable.

Now even though I know the solution, I don't know the extent of what is uncomfortable to me at this point. I'm struggling with a lot of discomfort right now, but not in the same way. My current discomfort is in my sense of self, when it's my environment that has been the important factor previously. I need to push myself past that comfort barrier and wake myself up again. I need something fresh to breath life into my work, where currently I just see the shell of what could be.

So what will it be, new collaborators? Different style? A project? Maybe all three, but time will tell what ends up being the solution.

For now all I need to do is start.